together, alone.

3/15/18

I, too, am in recovery. I’m restoring my health and mind after trauma. A long term journey of finding mental, emotional and over all, well being. Learning to embrace and not doubt. The lure of the past eats away at my being daily. Making a conscious decision to be happy has been hard, my destructive thoughts always take the forefront. My peace of mind seems so far away. I long for a simpler life with no emotional turmoil… that comes from no one but myself. I think often of talking to someone about my burdens, a non judgmental ear. Perhaps a counselor, therapist, deaf guy on a bench? I feel bad discussing my life and worries when it could be so much worse… I keep telling myself, “At least he’s clean…” But I’m unsure of how to collect the pieces and start over. Can things really be better? 

I have a hard time remembering a “normal life.” 

A time when I didn’t feel betrayed or taken advantage of. I don’t know if I long for a sincere apology?… it’s something I’ve yet to receive in sincerity. Would it even mean anything if it were spoken? I don’t know what it would take to overcome the years of heartache. I alternate between forgive and forget with hope and the bitterness that has settled deep into my gut. Redefining my marriage is certainly difficult. Change of this magnitude does not come easy, its become quite difficult. I feel the need for conversations throughout the day, however, by the day’s end I can’t find the mental strength to even begin the conversation. I feel all my energy is exhausted on my expectations. My obsession with how things were, have hindered it impossible to cope with my current mindset. I suppose there are no easy answers, maybe it is time to seek support. 

All of my self helps have talked about finding my own happiness and doing what makes me happy and not concerning myself with matters I can’t control, this has been nearly impossible. Something out of my control, controlling me. The opposite of everything I’ve learned, Maybe I don’t know how to be happy alone, perhaps learned from years of being unhappy alone or together. Does that make sense? Being lonely together. Feeling alone with your husband. 

I find it overwhelming to wrap my head around reality at times. 

When he was gone, I learned how to do things alone. Hard at first but we adapted. It wasn’t hard not having him emotionally but physically. Some security. I guess some part of me looked forward to him coming home so that i wouldn’t have to go at it alone. That wasn’t the case, he said on the way home he’d go to church but alone, for him, when I mentioned the kids going. I understand he’s learned he has to do it for him, he’s #1. That may be the expectation but Lord did it hurt to be together and still feel like I was going at it alone.. How sad.. I never knew myself as #1, hell, I’m not sure I’d make top 5. My kids, my husband, my family, anyone other than myself. When will I make myself a priority? I’ve begged him to make me one when I’ve never even made myself one. Odd. To do what makes me happy, to what I want in the moment without taking other’s feelings into consideration. Where do you draw the line? I contribute it to learned behaviors – Perhaps its time to unlearn and change things up for closure and a new beginnings. A multilayered challenge.