obligation.

Todays Words: Stay busy. Don’t cry. Stay busy, don’t cry! Dear Lord please give me the strength of forgiveness, the strength for understanding and the power to not settle for less than I deserve. Above all, give me strength. That’s all. Strength. I am weak. 

The ‘what ifs’ today have been louder than ever before. Exhaustion has set in, mental and emotional exhaustion. My soul feels debilitated. I assume it will get better. Will it get better with my husband or will it get better alone? Time will tell. So I’m going to finish my day promising myself that I won’t cry through supper and I’ll let my tears do down the drain of the shower. Tomorrow will always be a better day. 

…An unexpected supper with only tears when I heard a truck pull in. He’s unable to make eye contact with me, I’m not surprised. Why does it sting so bad? This was the inevitable, right? The sad part is – he didn’t come with an apology. He’s here because he has no one else. He has no where to go. He only has us. How convenient! I watch him on the couch with the most precious soul – she seems so happy. How can I say, no? It should come easy after all the lies, heartbreaks, deceit and unapologetic bow down words like, “I’ll stop doing —- if you want me to.” How simple. I want change because he wants to.. not because I want him to. I’ve seen how well that works… time and time again. 

I want sincerity, honesty, love – true love, not love because he has no where else to go. I want him to want to be here. I want him to want to share his life with me. I want better for him. I want honesty above all else. I’m not even sure I’d know what that feels like anymore. All the lies, all the coverups, all the hurt – I fear its a never ending cycle. A cycle I’ve been caught in for years! Is this life so bad? I feel like I’ve done EVERYTHING I can/could. I have nothing left. I have been that provider. I have been all I could be.

In all this, in these last few years I’ve learned my priorities are far from his. I will never be his priority, no prayer, no hoping, no wishing will change that. He has to want the same things I do – Key is HE has to want it. I am hopeless in this situation. The knowledge that this is a place you come to because you have no other options. Its the saddest feeling. 

I openly accept that I’ve created this reality, I’ve allowed myself to be used. Used on so many levels. I’ saddened at the thought, hardened at the idea. Heart broken for countless reasons. I so badly want a good marriage. I want happiness. I want the unobtainable happily ever after. Do I continue to live in this life of lies, never trusting, only because a paper says so. Do I live with the fact that I’m the only accountable one in our marriage. I suppose the question is – happily ever after, but at what cost?