waiting.

This was written prior to my first post… I think this was true change within me. Although more than myself was calculated when making decisions, this was a real turning point in my “process.” Seeing things for what they were not what they could be.

Listening to Tanner Usrey with coffee a plenty.

3/14/18

Sometimes my thoughts and worries are smothering. They seem to take over my mind through some subconscious anxiety attack. Constantly battling my insecurities and the worry of the unknown. I find myself battling the uncertainty of the future, the future of my husband’s sobriety, the future of my kids, our family. Through everything I’ve learned, separating myself from his addiction has been impossible. I constantly worry. I find myself lashing out at the thought. The “separating myself” has become more of a “pushing” away concept. 

Rather than enjoying a movie with my husband, I find myself watching his every move, his habits, his demeanor. Counting the times he goes to the bathroom. 

I cry. I cry at the thought. I cry for the past, I cry for the present and I’ve found myself crying over the ‘what ifs’ of the future and the high probability of worst case scenarios that replay in my mind like a scene being set before me. Looking back on the first few days, I felt joy. I felt hope and excitement. I actually looked forward to our future. I suppose after that it was more like I was waiting for someone to pull the rug from under me. Something about the selfishness of him uttering the words, “Yeah, I’m sure things are so tuff for you.” *this was on the way home from rehab* has stuck with me above all else, the letter then had no meaning. *His appreciative letter from rehab about all I do for him* Perhaps my selfish insight didn’t allow me to contain my aggravation with how tuff his life was there. I find all my thoughts returning to the discussions of expectations and requests and the resentment that follows when they are not met. I will openly admit that trust is my biggest worry with our marriage but greater than that, I may never trust him again. I worry he isn’t doing as planned and feel an extreme punch in the gut feelings when those worries are validated. 

One step forward, 3 steps back.