unobtainable.

Today was by far the most devastating day we’ve experienced in a long time. Today was the day of realization. The cold, hard realization that my husband will never be honest with me. What a punch to the gut. To give someone every possible opportunity to FINALLY be honest with me. Praying that in the numerous phone calls, a little honesty would seep through, knowing deep down we were still where we were 2 months ago. No matter how many times I would’ve called, the inevitable would rear its head. The sad, sad inevitable. I’m unsure of why he feels the need to lie, I only know that every lie has been to cover up something he knew he shouldn’t have been doing. I don’t know when WE became these people but Lord what I’d give to start over. Go back to the beginning, how things would be different knowing then what I know now. My heart just breaks every time I think about all the bullshit we’ve been through. My heart breaks for this little girl laying beside me. My heart breaks for him. How terrible it must be to have to lie everyday and remember all the lies, to defend them until they become your reality. Sad. Truly. 

I pray he finds a woman he can confide in, that knows all his truths and accepts it. I refuse to be that person. I refuse to be belittled. If telling me the truth is too painful – I pray for his peace. Peace for my little family. A new beginning – The beginning we should’ve had after rehab. The fresh start we all deserved. Especially him. I put too much confidence in change, I suppose my doubts were there for a reason. In those bullshit books I bought, what a fucking waste saying, “Happiness is an idea.” An unobtainable idea. Finding happiness within myself is going to be a long road. 

How quickly everything can change. 

Life goals, marriage goals, family goals. 

Just like that, gone. 

So, I suppose its just me and my babies. Sad. Truly. I can’t begin to describe this burn in the pit of my stomach, the ache in my heart and the emotions rushing through my soul. Heart broken is an understatement. Life shattering failure! I have failed my marriage and my kids. is that considered selfish? How long could I be expected to live in the turmoil? What about the days of happiness.. The days of us.. The days that weren’t bad.. Where’s the line drawn? I feel it was drawn and stepped over time and time again. We deserve better! So, Dear Me, Please never forget that no negative is deserved. No-one deserves to be in a deceitful marriage. No one deserves so much bullshit – I’ve contemplated what I could do to change the path we’ve taken, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve blamed him. I bury the blame here! I’ll believe, no matter how hard it may be, that everything happens for a reason – no matter the hurt that may come along with it. 

Distrust is a terrible, destructive, life altering word. How easily trust can be shattered – how impossible it is to get past. since when did honesty become non existent in my home?

to be continued…

Lying here with hundreds of thoughts makes sleep impossible. There’s been a lot of “impossible”-s today. My entire existence is impossible. The daily struggle with my MS would be enough to drive any sane person mad. I never knew I’d be dealing with any of this bullshit 10 years ago… A debilitating disease along with a debilitating relationship is certainly proving to be more than I can handle. How exhausting. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. My soul aches. My body, my heart and mind ache. I’m unsure what life has planned for me but I feel like its trying to kill me way before my time. I think often of my kids future if, God forbid, something does happen to me. Who will provide for them? How will they make it without a mother? To be forced to live a life other than this one. Will they be better off? Could a stable environment be given – I want to know that they’ll be ok. I want to know their dads can provide. I’m not sure on either. I hope it doesn’t take a life altering event to get all of them where they need to be. I love my kids beyond words, I’ve made a lot of mistakes with both of them. I whole heartedly pray today’s decision wasn’t one of those mistakes. I pray we all find some kind of peace. I pray they know why I’ve made this decision and I pray my daughter never has to say, “what if one day daddy could tell the truth, wouldn’t that be fun?” again. Poor baby. She knows more and hears more than she ever should. How sad. Truly a failure on my part. I remember waiting like that as a child and it breaks your heart a little more each time. Teaches us about accountability at a young age. 

3/17/2018