one day.
Expectations can be exhausting. Waiting for the replay. I’m unsure of the time span it takes to shake those feelings of doubt. Doubting the honesty is a huge hurdle. I pray that one day soon I find the courage to believe the things he says. To feel that we have trust and understanding as a foundation of our marriage. Coming back from a cracked/broken foundation is a huge learning curve. Hard to find hope when all you’ve felt is heartache for so long. I pray he soon finds himself – that these medications enable him to find some happiness and confidence.. not have him turn to benzos instead of opiods. I don’t understand the mind set of a man that doesn’t express himself to me. Little bits of his emotions, small fragments of the bigger issues. Issues that I hope he’ll discuss with me one day.
one day. this seems to be where all my hope lies. one day.
Hoping that “one day” is not a fairy tale, an unreachable goal put in my mind to pacify my current emotions. An emotional band-aid for all the pain and anguish. Maybe one day I’ll look back on these life events while reading this book and all of my “one day” hopes will be my reality. All the things we want and deserve in this life will be what we’re living. How amazing would that be? To have my rendition of happily ever after.
My hopeful realities for the future. Instead of calling them expectations for my marriage, hopeful realities for my family, my marriage, my life.
What I need: Happiness. Honesty. Loyalty. Trust. Sincerity. Hope. Encouragement. Communication. Boundaries. Understanding. Simplicity.
What I need to rid myself of: Resentment. Anger. Fear. Walls. Past experiences. Disappointment. Perceptions. Regret. Panic. Untrustworthiness.
The overwhelming sense of defeat. I have lost to my marriage. I have failed my marriage. My heart is broken. I’m always at fault I suppose. Inevitably going back to way before this incident. I’m at fault because I should’ve given up a long ass time ago. When the lies first started. It’s gone on so long that it’s become second nature to him. What kind of lie have I been living to think that he was capable of a honest marriage? I see that asking for an honest, sober marriage was too much to ask for! I truly felt things were getting to where they needed to be. Funny how drugs will ruin something that could’ve been amazing. Funny how people enable him. People who claim to love him, enabling alcoholic behaviors. How am I the only person that holds him accountable? I want him to be able to ENJOY life SOBER. I’m constantly being called, “crazy” and a “bitch.” Being talked to like I’ve never done anything for him.
I have sacrificed time and time again. I go to work everyday and have become so fuckin resentful of his inability to make our family a priority and help provide for us. Yet, I would put gas in his truck, buying cigarettes, provide food for him to stay home and eat. Letting him lay there and sleep while I struggle to get myself and the kids out the door.
The enabling I’ve done has created this monster of a marriage.
I’m scared that if I don’t separate myself from him, my resentment won’t be reversible. I feel the future is only getting worse. Daily, I’m becoming so bitter that it burns! The pit of my stomach is constantly on fire. The tears are always just below the surface. The heartache is a constant reminder of how he feels. How much resentment he has towards me for trying everything I could to save his life. How dare I carry the burden of bills, kids, work and life so that can take time to get away and get “better.” How SELFISH of me to struggle so SELFLESSLY! I know I am stronger than I feel. I’m stronger than all this guilt trip bullshit. Lord knows, I am. Please universe help me get to where I need to be!