my god.

I had tried to read a few different versions of the bible, rarely getting to all the ‘begats’ before I’d lost interest. Friends had given me advice to skip the Old Testament and just read the New; stating “that was the part that mattered.” However, starting at the New wasn’t an option for me… nor was starting at the Old, apparently. I needed a new perspective on it. My sister was sponsoring at the time and often spoke of The Big Book; when she would reference it, I’d become more intrigued in its teachings. If there was a book or an idea that had helped millions of people overcome alcoholism, perhaps there was more to it… and boy, was it! I think the principles in the book are universal and beneficial to anyone that could implement even one. Here’s my synopsis but if you’d like to read em yourself, www.aa.org.  

Admitting that you’re powerless. (The book says over alcohol; however, I read self-help books from the perspective that suits my need.) Believing in a higher power greater than ourselves. Turn our will over to the care of God (as we see him.) Take a fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admit our wrongs and have God remove them. Humbly ask forgiveness. Be willing to make amends. (To me, this meant forgiveness for not only our wrong doings, but others. The book says to make a direct amends whenever possible, but I feel if I can see you without attached negative emotions from either of us, that amends.) Lastly, seek God through prayer and meditation, asking only for knowledge.  

Crazy simple, right? I wanted to read the bible because I wanted to find God. Up to this point, I had prayed but in the general sense, speaking telepathically to a man in the sky. As a kid, we were Jehovah’s Witnesses and to me, God had the image of a large, bearded man sitting on a throne of judgement hand picking who will one day help him watch over his people. Well, this didn’t sit well with me. If you’ve ever read the Bible, (The Old Testament in the original form) then you know that he was a mean mf. He wasn’t the, all loving, God we learned about. So, I’m reading a book about a large vengeful man, trying to find a way to place my trust in Him and it wasn’t working. At all. 

I decided to read the Bible as fiction. I read the bible like old ladies read romance novels. It was full of drama! There were times I would call Kevin just to tell him some new juicy details I’d just read. I was obsessed with piecing it all together. The more I read, the more I realized a pattern. God says something. Man does the opposite. God punishes them. Man does what he says, he flourishes THEN he does the opposite again. A vicious cycle of this through generations and generations. Throughout these generations, there were prophets who spoke of God’s will. Mind you, God’s will is pretty simple. There’s 10 of em. Synopsis included: Place no other God’s before me. Don’t worship false idols. Don’t use his name lightly or disrespectfully. Rest Weekly. Obey your parents. Don’t kill, commit adultry, steal, lie or envy. When people failed to abide by these commandments, they were condemned by God. When they lived in accordance with these rules, God was pleased. The prophets spoke of God providing for those who followed his word while the others were slaughtered. Mass slaughtering, repeatedly. There was peace for God fearing men and famine for those who sinned.  

If we’re being honest, I still haven’t read past page 400 but all these stories are just, that. Stories. Examples. A choice followed by consequence.  

The bible describes earth as a void created between the waters above and below. In this void there was everything necessary for man to thrive. Providing for, creating and then teaching man to prosper, he told him to take of anything the earth had to offer EXCEPT fruit from the tree of knowledge. Being granted the knowledge of good and evil came from the act of eating the forbidden fruit… to see how it felt, to be guilty of sin. It says that they covered themselves and wouldn’t come out to speak with God. The shame felt from the act of disobeying God was their personal punishment. The test of sin laid out by God had come to fruition. God cast them out of the Garden of Eden, introducing them to suffering, multiplying their pains and death. Initially, Eve made the choice to sin… the bible describes a serpent as the instigator of sin, also known as the devil. A representation of evil, if you will.  

We all have choices to make; there are choices that bring us closer to peace and choices that separate us further. Having knowledge of good and evil gives us the opportunity to choose. To live a “Godly Life” isn’t measured in our church attendance or dedication to scripture, it is measured in our ability to live righteously.  

The man in the sky is our very own moral compass. Our own navigational beacon. We have been given the tools, very plainly, to live a prosperous, peaceful life. When I read the commandments now, I read them from a personal, spiritual space. There is a yin and yang to it all. The bible says, God created the heavens and earth. He created stars in the “expanse of the heavens,” by this, a heavenly earth. If you’ve ever looked at a bright red sunset, its hard to rebuttal that a more beautiful one can be imagined… until the next day, when its orange glow is breath taking. Every day, we are given the choice to live in heaven or hell. We can keep our heads down, selfishly focusing on ourselves, never witnessing the blessings that abound us. A proverbial hell.  

Just like the bible, we are given everything we need to flourish in life. We are taught rules or commandments from birth. We make choices based off these internal agreements we’ve made for ourselves on what is acceptable to us.  God is, our own judgement. How we view ourselves and our life, is how we will live it, choosing good or evil. Heaven or Hell. Peace comes from a place of knowledge. Knowing that life is out of our hands. This is everything the Big Book was saying!  

My God is an all-loving, free of judgment, Deity within me. A place of solitude. A place of resolution. A place to lay my burdens once deemed out of my hands. In asking God for guidance, we free ourselves from the worry of figuring it out. We choose what we need to change after taking moral inventory; the parts of us that don’t serve us, we ask God to remove them. Peace, peace with the decisions we’ve made by our own moral compass. Live large.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” FH