little me.

I believe a lot is kept from children because parents feel that children lack the ability to understand but kids get it, directly or indirectly. They can sense it. They hear it. They feel it. They may not completely understand it in the moment, but they can grasp the concept: I’d rather know and not need the information than to endlessly search for it and come up empty.

I remember a large part of my childhood was feeling left in the dark. We weren’t talked to about anything that was deemed, “grown folks business.” But, some of that same business effected us just like it did out parents. Kids deserve understanding because without it, fear lives rent free inside them. Living in fear of the unknown is far worse than knowing. I get that they are not intitled to complete disclosure but they certainly deserve an explanation that falls into their scope of comprehension, especially when it can effect them so deeply.

I wonder if I’d like to know how different my life could have been if I’d have felt safer as a child, if I had a better understanding of what was happening around me… if someone could of taken the time to explain, anything, really.

My mom left when I was in 6th grade. The first I’d heard of her leaving was the black truck pulling into our driveway, followed by mumbling through the walls between her and my dad. She grabbed a few things and walked right out the door. I don’t remember any good byes, hugs, hesitancy, tears or explanations; just my dad sobbing, my older sister yelling and my little sister and I standing there watching this all unravel from the front doorway, with no clue of what was actually going on. There was a moment when she turned, looked at us and abruptly asked, “Are you going with me!?” Excuse me ma’am but where are YOU even going?! No one told us to pack our things! We didn’t have a clue where she was going, how long she would be and when or if she would be back. She just immediately became, “the one that left us.” The bad guy. We were put into a victim mentality without a choice of whether or not we should be there. It was made all about the act of her leaving. There was no real explanation on how or why we became the ones left behind, only that she was happy with another man and we were left to be miserable because of it. We didn’t lose anything when she left yet it felt like we lost it all.

In a lot of ways, I believe we survived our mom. I think that in her leaving, we should of found freedom instead of fear. We had lived in fear with her there, not knowing what version of her we may get on any given day. My older siblings more so than us younger ones but either way, she wasn’t a great mom. My friends describe her as fun and always laughing but that version of her was only seen around other people and hardly ever at home. The version we lived with a suicidal alcoholic that seemed completely unhappy with all aspects of her home life. My dad seemed to always be “saving” her in one way or another. We weren’t the only ones being emotionally abused, he was trying to save an insatiable woman from herself. She did him a favor in leaving.

There are so many things that I NEVER could of understood or even began to comprehend as an 11 year old but I wish I would’ve had the opportunity to. Something as simple as a conversation about her feelings and intentions could have changed so much. Then, maybe the feeling of abandonment wouldn’t have echoed so loudly in my stomach for nearly 40 years.

Knowing life, as I know it now, I understand her leaving. I understand all the unsaid things that I had to figure out on my own. I can’t help but think how it all could have gone so differently, been far less traumatic and maybe wouldn’t have put a wedge between us that can never be filled.

I created this post with the intention of starting here… If I could travel through time and talk to my younger self, these are some of the things I’d assure myself of.

It’s okay to just be a child; stay there as long as you can. Don’t be in a hurry to grow up or scared to remind people that you are JUST A KID. Don’t seek out what hasn’t been brought before you and when it does, ALWAYS stand up for YOUR values and never waiver.

You don’t need to fit in and fuck anyone that makes you feel like you, your maturity or your experiences aren’t where they should be. The truth is, its their maturity that’s unnatural. You are a child into your 20’s and one day you will be grateful for every second of your innocence because the burden of maturity is hard to return from once the threshold has been crossed. Don’t let people pressure you into anything! Peers and grown ups alike.

Protect your peace. Parents can not teach you something that they never learned themselves. Always be aware of another’s intentions; the second it feels uncomfortable, listen and stay aware. Tell someone if you don’t know why it makes you feel that way. Say it. Repeat it. Stand on what your gut tells you! It will never steer you wrong!

NEVER carry someone else’s actions as your own. It’s not your fault: It was not you. It was not something you’ve done. You couldn’t have changed it. Everyone is evolving and you are not in control of their direction.

Your life changing does not equate to negativity. Normalcy is obtainable but remember that outside factors are always changing and you can not control them. Just make the best out of every situation. If you bring your own positivity, you never have to seek if from elsewhere!

There is a light in every situation, if you bring it with you, it’s assurance that it will ALWAYS be there!

If you’re scared, say something. Down right refuse to sit in fear. You should always feel safe and heard; you DESERVE it. Expressing yourself isn’t disobedience, its your God given right. Only those who lack the ability to be held accountable will make you feel bad for asking questions about their actions or intentions.

Parents are doing the best they know how. Don’t expect anything, take what they give you and grow from there. Learn from those worth learning from. Being an adult does not mean they have all the answers or will always give the right advice; and just because they believe something to be true, does not mean you have to. Always find your own truth.

You don’t have to agree with everything but never become insatiable.

You are enough. As you are. Be proud of her. Never lessen yourself to cater to another’s ego.

There are many many more things that are relevant and I’m sure they’ll come up another day but as for now:

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Søren Kierkegaard