evolving.

02/17/2022 

I had an entire plan in my head of what I’d find this old blog for.. 

The uplifting things I’d write about for today.. 

Instead I searched aimlessly finding the initial blog from 2018. The sadness consumed me reading it. I began to feel myself back in those moments, everything fell silent around me as I read. I always reflect upon literature as an insight into someone else’s mind.. I was reliving my life in the moment & those are feelings I hope to never feel again. 

So let me start this by saying, there is no lonelier lonely than lying next to your spouse & continuing to feel lonely. Someone right there, within reach. Someone that was once the one you ran to to feel secure. The one that you should always be able to turn to quickly becomes the last arms you want to seek refuge in. The truth of your marriage trickling through the façade of happiness you project to the public, the happiness you post on social media, the rumors you cover in doubt because the truth about it all would be far harder to bear coming off the lips of others. Each day waiting for something, ANYTHING to get you out of the mundane day to day back and forth fault throwing and emotionally cold, silent nights. 

With that, I left my marriage the day after Christmas 2020. 

I couldn’t find one sliver of hope. I tried everything. Lord knows I tried everything. I tried to be his caretaker, I nurtured him. I tried to be his friend, I gave him his space. I tried to be his therapist, I asked for counseling. I bought marriage books, so many fuckin books. Reading each alone, he had no interest when he was home. I remember him always saying, we don’t need that shit. I tried new things. Looking back, I’m not sure that I was having sex with him for me or because I felt obligated at that point. Maybe he did one of the 100 things I’d asked or maybe he wiped his own crumbs off the counter.. those were the reasons I would have sex with him. I felt that was his reward of sorts. How fucking crazy is that. Is it just me?! I remember being repulsed by the feeling of his tongue coming out of his mouth when he kissed me goodbye. Shuttering off some excuse on my breath stinking, lips being dry or some gross food I didn’t really eat.. anything. literally anything. Shouldn’t a person want to kiss their husband passionately until death do you part? It didn’t feel that way. I learned that he had created his own reality around his alcoholism and how he was as a person in general. He never will take responsibility for anything but truer words have never been spoken until he said, “I never thought you’d actually leave me.” Finally some truth. I gave that man every opportunity to be a fraction of the man I needed him to be. He failed to realize that even at a small fraction, I would have found another reason to stay. He could have made the slightest change in progress and I would have found hope. A fuckin failed marriage. 

Christmas Day may seem tough but when I say that I don’t think my skin could have settled sleeping in that house another night. I agreed to stay through the holidays, “for the kids” he begged. We both knew that keeping me two more months would be his opportunity to “show” me he had transformed into everything I’d ever asked him to be. Lord, we talked and talked. I was honest about every emotion, every opinion, every expectation. I remember telling him that it was too late to show me. I didn’t want him to want to change for me – he’d shown me time and time again I wasn’t worth changing for – He needed to change for him. I sat packing boxes as he sat within feet of me reading all those marriage books, asking questions, filling out an entire workbook within a week. Strange how quickly he transformed. He quit drinking just like that. Done. His idea of “done” was guzzling bootlegger wine on the way home & switching to Propel Grape flavor… crazy the resemblance those two flavors have coming off the breath. I was finally seeing him for him. The begging was relentless, I kept explaining that I could sympathize with him, truly I could. I once gripped at any reason to stay, pleading for you to show me that you could be better. I had begged just the same for our marriage while trying to find a reason other than a piece of paper to stay. I will say that no one can ever say I didn’t try when I tried.. but adversely when I was done, I was done. His words fell on deaf ears. I simply wanted to be happy. I simply wanted a better environment than the drunken arguments my kids heard through the walls because lord knows I was accused of being a whore more times than I can count. 

This is how I know that I’m evolving.

When I left, I remember being angry and jealous of who would have him next.. I remember thinking I have invested 12 years into this man. I have given him the tools he needs to have the greatest relationship of his life with himself and for whoever would have him next. I have handled the broken, battered, bruised man and I’m handing over these years to fresh hands. He now knows to take the trash out the first time you ask. He now knows how important family is because he’s lost one. I thought, “Fuck Her.” How dare this woman, right? I didn’t have to worry though, he stalked me and was constant.. I mean constant since. When I was going to leave I would tell him often that I prayed he’d find a woman that he wanted to be better for… then I was contemplating sabotaging that just because I was bitter. I had to be better!

Ok.. so THIS is how I know that I’m evolving…

Fast forward to 9 months after our separation, my daughter was so excited at the fair to see, “daddy’s friend.” I got excited right along with her, never questioned her about them, never questioned him. I was happy if he was happy! I noticed he had backed off on his persistence and was happy to have his daughter, so win, win. I started to notice words coming out of his mouth that I know weren’t words of his own. I was proud of him for listening to her advice although I’m sure it sounded just as dumb coming out of her mouth as it did his. I knew things like 50/50 custody wasn’t feasible for him nor was he at a place to have that.. he didn’t even have a vehicle for Pete’s sake. Alright, I’m sidetracked..

Swear THIS is how I KNOW that I’m evolving…

I can not stand the thought of trying again with him as long as he continues to drink. Well… Is that what I tell myself or is that the truth? Would I be able to see him for the man that he is in that moment like I’ve practiced… No, I can’t. He broke me. When I left, I left all that negative energy and the lies he swears he never tells. I left all that bullshit back there and I will NEVER put myself back in that situation when every outcome has been played out over and over. So the answer is NO, its not his drinking. I’m having this epiphany real time and I think this may be the first time I’ve said, in a sense, out load that its not his drinking. Its him. His being. His soul. His demeanor. His lie face. He was a lesson learned. I see no need in learning the exact lesson again. I have closed that chapter. I have moved outside the emotional bounds of my marriage and I am free of all that emotional baggage. 

My entire life I’ve always felt an urge to help people, trying to save people, thinking I know what’s best, I can nurse them back to health into a functioning normal human. I’ve done the same with men, my ex husband was no exception. I enabled him into the man I didn’t like. I shouldn’t have continued to invest my time.. my precious time… I’ve learned you can’t convince a man to be a good man until he sees fit. I’m batting -0 as evidenced by my single status on facebook. Which is an emotional endeavor that I’m sure will take more than 1 cup of coffee to get through.. 

I say all that to say, hell I don’t know really. If you’re unhappy in your marriage try only until it compromises your goals and values. When your goals are growing further apart, don’t wait until the other is ready to compromise and communicate. Never pray they will one day. NEVER compromise your happiness at the expense of another. I chose comfortability over compatibility for a really long time. It seemed easier on the easy days to just stay through the bad. It seemed easier than starting an entirely new life. Alone. Crazy that the options were to start over completely at 35 or stick through the bad days for the good… We see what I deemed the easier road to travel. I knew deep down he’d never change. I had to have right? I was happy to see that he wasn’t my responsibility anymore. I will wake up in an empty bed for a thousand years before I take any piece of responsibility for his actions and words. 

Tonight makes 418 days since I left. Excluding a short attempt in July which ended amicably, when we insert the above mentioned whom he’s labeled a “best friend.” But the point, 418 days and he’s messaged me constant during these last few thoughts about who I’ve slept with since leaving, he made mention today that he didn’t put it past me to sleep with his friends.. wow. This guy who swears he knows me better than any other living soul thinks I would sleep with his friends. He doesn’t have a clue. 

418 mother fuckin days.

And yes i googled the number of days.. I’m not THAT crazy. But I am.