dating after divorce.
02/17/2022
I’m going to say this because it’s heavy on my mind tonight.
Since leaving I’ve began to people watch and watch the wheels of the rumor mill turn and turn with no known destination. No guarantee of how far it will be misconstrued when it reaches the last ear it falls on. I’ve enjoyed hearing the stories about myself and hearing about the eventful life that I live from people who don’t have a clue who I am or who I use to be.
This is mostly stemming from my ex husband but believe me when I say EVERYONE seems to have an opinion. He made the statement yesterday that he had heard he was wasting his time with me because I was, and I quote, “juggling men like a clown in a circus.”
Wow, what a statement. I’m going to nutshell the 418 days because while I don’t believe in defending my truth, I’m not opposed to speaking it. I truly was disgusted at the thought of another man after leaving, I remember thinking I’d be single forever. I was juggling my exes emotions and mine all while trying to keep it together for my kids. It was hell. He followed me when I left, he text and called constant. When I say it was the most emotionally exhausting few months, that would be an understatement. I was a prisoner in my own home. The second my vehicle left the yard, the phone started up.. He was relentless. His drinking was heavier than ever. I tried to be there for him emotionally but it was impossible. Every single word read into. Every inch of progress was a yard of back tracking.
This went on into the summer, I found the lonely nights were harder instead of easier. I told him in many conversations that I was going to pursue another man one day and it wouldn’t be him. He was so adamant that I just needed to get to know the “new” him. He claimed to have sworn off drinking and was being accountable. After all, the only things I’d asked the last few years was for him to be accountable and spend time with the kids. After leaving, I added alcohol to the list of must nots. Soul searching in the wrong places, I wound up with the mind set of, if I’m ready for a new man, maybe I’m ready to accept him as a new man. I started to let him come around, his efforts were half assed, the excuses still flew, always someone else’s fault when he didn’t show. I started journaling, religiously, the more I wrote the more it settled into my soul that I had done the right thing the first time. After all, he was still drinking. I couldn’t compete with his love for alcohol or stand the snark comments that were always redirected to being my fault some how. New book, same story.
Of course he went through the whole show again. I was terrified to date. I was terrified to put a man in the situation of dealing with him. I was terrified of hurting his feelings if he saw me out with another man. (imagine that, me not wanting to hurt his feelings…) I spent lots of time contemplating on this. Now, I will preface with this, I use to see things very different from how I see them now. But then, I was petrified. I started talking to a man that wasn’t intimidated by my bullshit. He was never phased when I spoke about him, he didn’t blink when threatened by him. He turned out to be exactly who every had said he was. He was the end of my, “form my own opinion the hard way” phase.
In between time, I tried to strike up something with a carni at our local fair last year. Turned out to be way more than I bargained for, we had one lunch date that I paid for.. insert finger gun to forehead. I told him it wasn’t there; which had nothing to do with the baby shaking syndrome he had discussed with me over lunch. (palm face) Also, at the fair, I gave my number to a man I’ve known most of my life. He smelled of alcohol. I changed my mind on that situation quickly only to have him ride by my house and STOP with both my ex in-laws in the house and outside. Wow, my guy. Get to getting it, it ain’t there.
I started out on a dating app before Christmas, it was a joke. I only swiped left until my subscription was just about up and I swiped right after lots of contemplation. I chose 3 men.
Bachelor #1. overly needy – he taught me another lesson. The best intentions aren’t always best for everyone. Bless him, sweet fella but it was the biggest turn off to have someone as attentive as me!!! He was everything communication wise that I wanted and yet, I couldn’t stand it. I told him it wasn’t there for us.
Bachelor #2. only talked about how he was over his ex who ran off but he’s too done now. Yeah me too. Get that under control.
Bachelor #3. Amazing conversation. Great personality. Extraordinary dad. Divorced for 3 years. I never questioned his life or the things he said. Didn’t get his last name until a few weeks in. Turned out he was currently married but it quickly changed to “complicated” when confronted. Its much easier to be understanding when its in explanation form instead of explaining after the fact. I missed our conversations but how could anything substantial be built on lies. After listening to the entire story, although we missed each other’s company throughout the day, it just slowly faded into nothingness.
So now we are here. In the now. I stay to myself. But the good thing about keeping to myself is that people make up a full, eventful life for me.
I think I’ve finally found the happiness I chased all this time. It had nothing to do with anyone else. My happiness has everything to do with me. Now the way I see things are.. If YOU THINK I’m capable of it, then believe that, sit on it. But as long as I KNOW who I am and what I value then all the nonsense doesn’t matter. No one wants their name dragged through the mud but its amazing to see all the miserable people that settle for what they have rather than fighting for what they deserve. Men and women alike seeking something outside of their marriage or relationship instead of asking for what they need from the other. Another topic for another day.
So my truth is this, I am grown. I can live life as I please. I can date who I want, I can go where I want, I can be exactly who I want to be. I am not nor will I ever be the painted picture most have of me BUT I am not responsible for that picture. Men will continue to like the idea of me and not have a clue who I am and that’s ok with me. Let me be, to you, whatever you wish! A man that knows immediately will come along but until then, I’ll live vicariously through the rumor mill.