reflection.

Listening to Robyn Ottolini

I originally sat down to discuss today’s events but the old journal entries were at my finger tips so I decided to share. 

Rereading those journal entries, the desperation was astronomical. 

I talked about looking back on those entries and having my hopeful reality come true. So, I’ll reflect back on those hopes and see where I stand in terms of being happy. 

I’ve rid myself of A LOT of resentments. I had so many. I was angry about things from 20 years ago. Things that never mattered in the grand scheme of life. Everything works out just the way it should. 

(Excerpt – There is an extraordinary set of books about the Toltec ways and when I say it has changed my life I mean, it has changed my entire life. It was just the start to many more books, lots of googling and countless calls from my sister… anyways, great books! My point is, there’s exercises in there on letting go of resentments that are only affecting us. I realized that a lot of the resentments stemmed from people that had also taught me lots and lots of unhealthy domestications. The book speaks on domestications and figuring out what YOU actually believe rather than what you’ve been taught to believe. There’s a story in the book about a boy who’s grandmother scolded him for not wanting to finish his meal; she guilt tripped him with stories of starving children and how he wasn’t appreciative of the meal if he didn’t finish. The boy finished the meal even though it made him physically ill to do so. Growing up this young man always finished his meals, stuffing himself with what was given. As an adult the man found that when going out to eat, although stuffed, he would continue to eat until the meal was gone. This was not something HE had consciously decided to implement once he could make his own decisions. This is a domestication from childhood. Something that we believe because someone taught us to believe something or think a certain way.)

This was one of the harder things I’ve done on an internal, emotional level. Something that I was able to do within myself. Something that no one else can affect or validate. Sometimes I wonder that if I were to see the person I once resented would those old feelings rear back up or would I truly not be bothered. I can only speak for the few I’ve encountered. I can say whole heartedly that I no longer hold any resentment towards my ex husband. It took so much energy to engage with him before. It would consume me when he would start his shit, I would spend hours defending myself. Hours and Hours. I struggled with this resentment. It consumed me with every text, call, and encounter. I would pacify his feelings. That was me taking responsibility for how he was feelings. I can not control how other people feel about me or towards me. I can only control my actions. This has been a lesson in itself. I’m happy to say that after a lot of soul searching and essentially “leaving behind” my burdens atop a mountain, I am free of the shackles he once held me in. The shackles that kept me emotionally invested in his well being. The calls about self inflicting injuries to text about drug use, I was free of all those responsibilities. I sit with a clear conscious about my marriage and how I handled leaving. I’ve been a better woman than I expected I would be.

Next, anger/fear.. they kind of fit hand and hand.. 9 times out of 10 anger is going to stem from a fear of sorts. If you see someone in a grocery story losing their shit and they throw a can of salsa, you can be pretty certain the salsa did nothing to anger them. There is some underlying fear.. Whether that be that they fear their lights being cut off if they buy groceries they need to survive. The fear of letting someone down in a passing thought while the can seemed to take the brunt of the anger.

I will say that I’ve gotten a hand on my anger and I chalk that up to trying to spot the fear. The root of why I’m feeling a certain way. These books speak about asking yourself with EVERY decision, is this what I really want? Is this how I really feel? Taking the time to assess exactly which emotion you’re speaking with. If you are speaking out of anger then take the time to figure out why you’re angry. Why does this topic or incident trigger anger inside of you? Is it from fear of a previous encounter? Will what you’re about to say help or hurt the situation? How you respond to a lot of shit changes when you ask yourself how much emotional investment should you really have in this conversation?! You are in charge of every word spoken, every choice made, every thing is you. If you approach every problem knowing that each answer you ultimately give is what is best for you then you have to know, inevitably, that everything works out just the way it should. 

I feel the need to follow up with a disclosure on anger in the moment. I’m not saying that you’re never going to get angry and blurt some shit out or send that anger filled text that’s been bubbling for weeks. I’m saying just take an extra second or two to figure out if its worth your energy.

If its not constructive, its destructive. Make decisions that make you better, always be better. 

This leads me to another big one for me, which was regret. I know people can spout out, “I’ve never regretted a decision” but they’re liars. We all have to experience tough shit to experience regret on a deeper level than regretting that you ordered a large coffee instead of a medium. I use to think for hours on all my regrets of wasted years, wasted time, wasted effort, wasted dreams, wasted goals; I would say how much I regretted getting married, I regretted enabling, regretting not learning my lesson the first time, I was full of regret. I didn’t have a clear understanding on this concept I had challenged originally. That if we focus on the negative, we only see negative. Regret leaves room for second guessing. After my entangling with the unamed, I realized that I didn’t regret the experience. I had the greatest epiphany thinking of how much I had learned and gained from him. I couldn’t be mad at myself for even being vulnerable. It triggered something in me. I started reflecting back on my life focusing only on the great things that each little thing led to. Does that make sense? I realized I don’t regret a fucking second of it. The pain, the struggles, the hurt, all of it! I am a well versed woman. I have been through struggles most people would only believe to be a tall tales. Each and every one of those prepared me to be the person I am now and I pray I continue to view the world through the eyes of someone who can’t control another soul. 

I am in charge of my own happiness. Shit happens. Its how we respond to it that matters.  If we always respond with sincerity and good intentions then everything works out just the way it should. 

The rest of the list went hand in hand with my main hopeful ridden reality. Things like past experiences, disappointments, untrustworthiness, etc… they’re just part of the package of life I suppose. One day it will all make sense. I am right where I need to be. Learn your lessons and move forward, don’t dwell. You appreciate the light much more after sitting in the dark for far too long. Find beauty in everything. 

In regards to my happiness… I am happy.