lighter

I feel like I just lost my soul. I don’t remember the last time I cried with purpose. A purpose that was powerful. A true cleansing. An amazing realization. I feel lighter. I’m certain more tears will be shed; but I’m also certain that I truly needed that. I feel like tears are often shed for reasons.. how often does it feel like you cried with purpose?

 A little time with yourself, feeling completely vulnerable. For a few moments there were no walls, feeling every emotion and ones you never knew you could own, there were no obligations. I simply needed to cleanse my soul. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces, as I cried I felt those pieces slowly becoming less sad. The pain washing down the drain with every tear. I found myself thinking of a happier past. I thought about the birth of my children, how beautiful! How happy we all were.  I thought of how I felt in the beginning, the first night he showed up after all those years. The good times we had. Where have they all gone? Sometimes just his presence can erase a bad day. Why has my resentment shadowed the beautiful times that we had? Were they really beautiful or just better than the worse?

When did stipulations become the forefront of my thought process? He is a very loving man. I truly could be the reason we are here. He IS the same person he was years ago; flawed like myself. He says honesty causes hostility. Why do I concern myself with what he does? Why can’t I be happy with the person he is with me and say to hell with the rest? 

I whole heartedly believe that we were in love. So, why do I push him away? Why have I made it impossible for him to be honest with me? Where did this all go wrong? He’s said his addiction is all my fault, I introduced him to it.. like he wasn’t a terrible coke addict when we met. (insert finger gun to forehead) BUT maybe that is where it all started, with me… making a choice.. I chose to lose the leisurely stuff and he fell deeper. Was it me that pushed him deeper? I pray that one day I’ll know for certain that all of this isn’t my fault. Everyone has a choice. I can’t make someone chose the path I want. He has to want it. Will he ever? Will he ever feel the apology that I thought I needed? Probably not, the better question is.. Will I ever let go of feeling like I need it? Will I find sincerity in his words or always doubt? I have to find a way to let go of my resentments no matter what path we find ourselves on tomorrow. Not just for my kids sake but for my own happiness. I want to find myself before all the pain. I want my happy memories to shadow all the negative ones. I want to let go of all expectations from everyone but myself. I want to hold myself accountable when things don’t go my way. Let go of disappointments, let go of anger, let go of the hurt, let go of other people’s priorities. I want to learn to live a life that’s for me. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow but I know after tonight my hearts a little lighter and my mind is a little clearer. I won’t beg anyone to live a life other than the one they desire; all I can do is encourage and communicate my thoughts and emotions with no preconceived ideals that my way is the only way. Everyone has their own lessons to learn. Some come easy while others knock the fuck out of you. I’m tired of being punched. Time to let go girl. Simply said, one day at a time.