mindset matters.

This is universal across all aspects of our life.

If we could all be lucky enough to get through childhood and adolescents without being negatively impacted by something or someone, what a beautiful world this could be! I want to talk a little about my experiences with this.

It pisses me off to think of all the things that were taken away from me by the hands of another. My self respect, self esteem, self worth, self love, identity, experiences, innocence, values, joy and much more were all taken from me so quietly that I didn’t notice.. I didn’t know how damaged I was until I made the choice to live for my own happiness. It seems simple now to say, “change what doesn’t serve you” – but for most of my life, I tried to change myself to better suit the people around me and it left me empty, lonely and bitter.

As a teenager, I remember being fun and care free. I don’t recall needing much. I had a pretty good head on my shoulders. I was never in trouble and didn’t put myself in dangerous situations intentionally. I saw the beauty of the world and although I saw some ruff things coming up, I was pretty innocent in terms of things I did versus things my friends did. I didn’t have life experience, I just listened and learned. I learned what I didn’t want to be but don’t remember dreaming about what I could be. I didn’t strive to fit in, I got along with everyone; although I didn’t have a plan, I know for a fact, I deserved better than where I ended up.

My first big mistake was not listening to my daddy. I watched him fight for love for many years and unfortunately he has yet to find a woman that deserves him. He’s a lot like my Papa [rest is soul] in that way. My grandma was undeserving of him as well; she cheated and conceived but my Papa raised that baby without a word about it. My dad raised all his children in the presence and absents of their moms. True providers never respected or appreciated for their commitment to their family. And in that way, I fell right into their foot steps. All the things I swore I’d never deal with, there I was, living in it.

I was 16 when I started dating my son’s father. My daddy said, “There is nothing that a 24 year old man needs from a 16 year old girl.” I suppose I thought I knew better [as kids do.] I thought I was grown. I was putting more and more distance between myself and my dad and started staying over at his mom’s house. Looking back, someone should of slapped the shit out of me! [I wish someone would’ve slapped some sense into me!] Everyone that “knew” him always spoke highly of him but it didn’t take long for me to realize he was not the person he portrayed. Slowly, I was isolated from my family and friends, I went to school and was with him. He was subtly manipulative in the beginning and if angered, it always seemed to be my fault some how. I felt guilty for things I’d never do, not going anywhere or seeing my friends just so I wouldn’t have to hear his mouth. If it ever came up in conversation, he always said it was my decision. Technically, it was. By default. It was easier to not do, than to explain and have backlash for doing anything for myself.

You know, when I think back on some of the things people have said to me, that I believed; I don’t know who was dumber. But in this case, it’s undoubtedly me. When we first got together, he told me that condoms didn’t fit him and hell, I didn’t know any better; unprotected sex resulted in pregnancy early on and I was terrified. I had seen glimpses of his true character and I knew it wasn’t going to be a fairy tale family but I had put myself in this situation.

I was scared… scared to tell my dad, not for fear of his actions towards me but the fear of disappointment. When I did tell him… boy, was he disappointed. He knew that I was just a baby no matter how grown I thought I was. He did, what I believe, most parents would. I’m not resentful about it, I only wish I would have been strong enough to take that opportunity to be better.

A family friend expedited an appointment, it all happened so quickly: simultaneously, I was being shamed into a place of defeat. He cried, stalked and harassed me the entire time. I remember he came to the house where I was staying, visibly devastated, crying about how I bad I had hurt him and how my dad only did it because he didn’t like him. Everything was about him. No regard for the fact that I was still just a baby myself. I found myself comforting him after all the hurtful things he had said to me. He gave no apologies for the things he had done or said in anger, no concern for my well being or how I was coping with it all. And yet, I felt bad for him. It was exactly what he wanted. When I wasn’t around by my family, he was a constant pry: begging for another chance, swearing to put the past behind us and promising a new future.

Like most emotionally abused women, I gave into the lies.

We lived with his friend a while; who dated a girl that had been a friend of our family for as long as I can remember. Even back then, we both knew that we deserved better. Bonding over the fact that we were both trapped in manipulative relationships with physically and emotionally controlling assholes that had never felt a consequence in their life! I am forever grateful for her. The only other friend I had at the time [who was also dating one of his friends] told me that he was smoking crack and when I confronted him, he flew off the handle! Calling us both everything but a child of God. He swore she was just trying to come between us; just like anyone else that had a negative opinion of him. In true gaslighting form, I believed him. Again.

I didn’t speak to her for years. One of my greatest regrets. [Spoiler alert: he was in fact smoking crack laced marijuana.]

It wasn’t long before the past was back in the present. Hurtful comments hurled across the room like tidal waves of indignity. Sex became a chore, like trying to right a wrong. There were times when he would talk about ‘the son I killed’ during sex. I felt shame – like I’d never experienced before or since. A terrible place for a 16 year old to be. Feeling obligated to be pregnant in a relationship that was detrimental, feeling like there were no other options.

When we found out we were expecting again and I actually felt relief. Finally, I could give him what I had felt so guilty for taking. Not realizing at the time, his intention for getting me pregnant wasn’t to have a family but to have complete control. When I told my dad, it looked more like defeat. I was right back in the situation everyone tried so hard to get me out of. His baby was having a baby and he never said anything but the disappointment was felt.

Through it all, his mom was always amazing; the mom that moms should be. She made sure I had everything we needed. I spent most of my time with her, at least around her, a place I could feel safe. In hindsight, I believe I stayed as long as I did for her sake over mine. [a trend that would carry over into my future] Her love for him was more enabling than nurturing and sadly, that hasn’t changed.

It wasn’t long into my pregnancy that his nights out became longer and his time at home became shorter. We would argue and of course I was always the “crazy one” assuming him of the worst when he was simply “out with his friends.” We weren’t having conversations, sex or anything that remotely resembled a relationship anymore. I saw my one friend on occasion, otherwise, I was working or home alone. I gained weight above the regular baby weight and was so deeply depressed that I didn’t care either. I was alone. He regularly made comments about how he should have another baby in his arms; It was like he wanted to keep me in a constant state of remorse.

Later in my pregnancy when I confronted about him cheating, he was adamant that he wasn’t, he said, “I just didn’t want to have sex with a fat girl.” Excuse me? You mean, the girl that you begged to be with you, that is carrying you child, that put up with all your bullshit, that cleans your house and washes your clothes, pays your bills and bends over backwards to cater to your emotions? That fat girl?! I threatened leaving and heard the same things that had been programmed into me, “no one wants a girl with a child.” I felt trapped, inside my own mind. A place that he had created that was only comfortable for him.

After giving birth to a beautiful baby boy, all my time was spent with him. He was the only light in what had become a dark dark world. I was still being blamed for any and everything that could be projected on to me. He told me after a few months that he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I was fat. Yet, I was expected to stay and continue to do all the things because if I left, he would fight for custody of our son. I instead, went in search for the truth. [Spoiler alert: He was in fact cheating with a fat ass girl he had met at the bar, staying at her house and telling her that I only lived with him because of our son and continued to deny it even after I had spoke with her.]

I remember sitting in his mom’s kitchen one day, arguing over God knows what, her standing at the counter defending me and he reaches over and slaps me so hard that the front of my chair was off the floor. I couldn’t believe that he had done it in front of her. I thought, this is it. She is going to see how he is and not blame me for leaving him. He storms out posing as the victim of this situation too. But, his mom’s next words hit like a ton of bricks. She says, “You have to love him the way he is. His daddy was the same way to me.”

How dare that be the advice given to anyone in this situation? A woman who had lived with an abusive man… a woman who had seen the actions of her son… a moment you never want to witness another human being in. Her advice was to stay and love him the way he was. I couldn’t. It was in that moment that I knew I had to do something but felt like I had no options. I had started college in an attempt to gain some control over my life. I sliver of freedom.

I felt like I had burnt the bridges that led away from this place. Now, I know I could’ve went to any one of those places and been greeted with open arms. But back then, it felt like it was just me. I moved in with his mom and lived that life as long as I could. I don’t know what I would’ve done without his parents. He had women at his house just to spite me and always ran his mouth about me being at his parents. He had me sever relationships with everyone I knew and he still wanted me to have nothing. I moved in with a girl in my nursing class and her mother in law wanted to keep her thumb on me as hard as his had been. I started drinking at 20 and made decisions based on my own numbness. [A story for another day.]

The verbal abuse continued long after I left and continued into my marriage to another man. He had fallen deeper into addiction and eventually, I found I was no longer scared of him. The Lord had put karma on that man far worse than he had ever done to me.

On one particular day, [which marked the last time he would lay a hand on me] he was on a rampage about drugs or money for drugs and when he grabbed ahold of me; I put every ounce of pain he ever placed on me into a right hook and swung with everything in me. I busted his shit wide open. In true victim form, he cried out for his son to look what his mom had done. Fucking loser. As blood ran down his cheek, my fight or flight kicked in and I tried to leave. He followed me out the door and pushed me against my truck while yelling and spitting everywhere. Seeing the slice on his cheek was worth whatever was about to happen to me. I was more concerned about what his spit contained! My son came outside hysterical and I believe that is what saved me. I begged him to stop for his son’s sake. The law arrived and there were no consequences for his actions, just like all the times before.

This man that had taken so much from me in my adolescence had the audacity to continue to try to take. The domestications I had learned followed me right into my marriage. The small fragments of me that had hope, were broken down during my 13 year marriage. Full of deceit, lies, drug use, alcoholism and manipulation. Towards the end when he was giving me reasons why I shouldn’t leave, I was told, “I even stayed with you when you got fat!” Like that was a justifiable reason to appreciate someone. It just further instilled the fact that I wasn’t attractive. It just further solidified my reasons for leaving.

I finally decided I HAD to choose my own happiness. For myself and my children. My mindset wasn’t healthy for me or them. I lived in a world that only took from me, until I felt like I had nothing else to give. It was the best decision I ever made! I made a commitment to myself to love myself, as I am, as I have always been. Realizing that the men in my life were only manipulating my emotions to keep me around for their own selfish needs was an awakening like I’d never known.

Everyone deserves happiness and freedom from the abuse instilled in us. I only wish I had done a better job of holding onto it when I was younger instead of laying it at the feet of the undeserving.

Finding myself and all my beautiful qualities after divorce turned me into a whole new beast. I became aware of all the great things that made me the person I am. Unapologetically myself. It took time to learn about all the phycological effects and trauma and how it effects us until it’s dealt with. Trusting my intuition and knowing that I knew the right decisions through all the times I’d been told I was wrong.

If someone doesn’t respect you, they don’t deserve you. They know this and so do you. We can not make excuses for people who make enough for themselves. Fuck em.

At 36 years old, I remembered what it was like to be fun and care free. I began to see the beauty of the world again and refused to allow anyone into it that didn’t align with the vision I saw for myself. I don’t try to please people and I don’t work for relationships. The people that are my people, are there because I want them to be. My mind is made up that I will never allow another human being to lessen the amazing person that I know I am. I live my life appreciating the simple joys and separating myself from anything that doesn’t serve me.

The Lord sent a man that sees the beauty I behold and reminds me daily. He is everything that a man should be and truly loves me unconditionally. He reassures me when my insecurities show themselves and I am grateful daily.

We are the only person holding us back!

Make up your mind. Become what you want to attract and God will do the rest.

K. Byeluhyou.